What Now...

He fell out of love with me a month ago.  He doesn't love me anymore.  I struggled, I suffered, I tried so hard....  I'm once again left broken and unloved.  He has another girl waiting to date him....  I just want good enough.   I don't know how to deal with this pain.  I've had to start drinking because it's so intense I start screaming and my thoughts become violent and I want to die.  

It's always been like this.  I give everything, and get neglected and abandoned.  He told me loved me, he pushed the idea of marriage and a happy life together, adopting a little autistic girl and being the best parents ever.  He instigated all the serious stuff.  He's the one who shared all the intimate memories and feelings and thoughts first.   He's the one who initiated sex.  He's the one who said he'd die without me.  He said I was his soul, his guardian angel, his warrior princess, his everything.  And now I'm not...  but he's still mine...

He said he stopped loving me a month ago, but couldn't tell me, because he was scared.  I see now, that's why he wouldn't talk about visiting.  That's why he had no time for me.  I felt so neglected and horrible about myself during that time.  I couldn't make him happy.  I feel so deceived and sick now.  

The pain is so bad.  I don't want to live anymore, not just because I lost him, but because I've never been able to keep anyone.  I can't make any sense of it.  Who am I supposed to be able to trust?  Who won't drag me through the dirt by my hair and then claim that they love me?  What the fuck am I supposed to do now????

I'm broken, betrayed, used, deceived, unloved, lost, defeated, hopeless....

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to live anymore...

What Do I Want?

So puffinz is no more.  

Why did it end?  His drama is the reason, plus my needs not being fulfilled.  He would cut, threaten and attempt suicide, neglect me and not tell me things.  It was all out of fear and depression.  He's a great guy, but he's so troubled, and no matter what I did, I couldn't make him happy.  

My heart aches and sobs.  My soul is shaking and empty.  I miss him.  I miss him so fucking much.  We're staying friends, but there's a distance between us.  I miss feeling loved and needed and important.  Now I just feel...  I feel purposeless.  My brain keeps trying to formulate ways to tell him I want to get back together, but squashes those thoughts before I act on them.  It's not a good idea to be romantically involved at this time.  He needs to get his shit together and long distance romantic relationships are too difficult for us.

What do I do??  My heart, gut and mind are all saying different things!!!  I have to accept that we are not going to work long distance.  He tried to get me to wait for him for a year or 2, but I couldn't do that.  Now I think I want to, but I'd have to know that he'd wait for me.  He can't let me down like that, but I'd also worry I'd change my mind.  A lot can happen in a year or 2...

I want to keep things open as friends, but maybe tell him that in a year or 2, we could try again.  When I turn 25, I'll be off my mom's insurance and won't be able to see my therapist anymore.  I'll have no reason to stay in CT.  I could move to NY to be with him.  That's a big deal since we've never lived together and I'd have nowhere to go back to.  I'd need to know he's in this for the long haul.

I think I should write him an email expressing these thoughts and ask him what he thinks.  He's still the man I would be honored to marry someday, but I don't know if he'd want me to be his wife...