I've been getting so fed up with all this cooking and cleaning. My physical health depends on this diet in order to get well again. It is so much work, though. Every night, 1.5-2 hours of cooking, 1 hour of cleaning, all within a 6 hour window. With my sensory issues, it's exhausting and it's torture.
My "family" restricts me from having an entire day to get stuff done. They're existence prevents me from obtaining my health in a comfortable way. I have to wait until they go to sleep and complete the night's work before they awake. I can't fully desensitize before i have to amp myself up with a dose of Ritalin to get another hour done. It's horrible. Every. Single. Night. There is no room for leniency. If I don't have the dishes washed and the onion smell gone, I will get passive aggressively attacked. It's horrible what they do to me... What they've done to me, as they were supposed to protect me and look our for me, but those shits sat back and watched as my mental and physical health was slowly taken from me for over 8 fucking years. It's all their shit-faced faults. They keep me from sleeping during the day by 'needing' to walk by my room every half an hour, but carelessly slamming doors and cabinets, by stomping their feet and by doing hours of laundry in the middle of my sleep time.
And yet, I need to let go...
So yeah, I do have to wait and waste several precious hours because of them, and yes, I do have to force my senses to endure a lot in a short time frame because of them, many times, on very little sleep... but I'm not cooking and cleaning because of them or for them. I'm doing it all for me. I'm determined to fix what they have destroyed and do good, instead of bad like them. I've vowed to become a better person than they are, to learn from their mistakes, to right all of their wrongs...
I guess I tend to get so wrapped up in the misery they're causing me, that I forget about the wonderful things I'm doing for myself. What should be an empowering, self-loving experience becomes a bitter chore. It's so hard to accomplish my goals with their constant hindrances, but I need to remember that my actual goals can not be tainted. They are my goals and I will accomplish them!
I need to stop whining and blaming. Even though the cooking and cleaning is absolutely necessary for my health, I'm still responsible for choosing to go ahead with it. Giving up technically is an option. I could stop cooking and cleaning, stop hoping, stop caring and allow myself to fall into a meaningless state of depression, but I will not. I know I can be of use someday, that my life will have meaning not only to those that I help, but to me as well. I'm sure many go down that dark road of empty, unchanging scenery, but not I. I have been through far too much misery, and I have too much to offer the world to give up now!
You hear that, Tempy! You're going to stop with this bullshit and HELP YOURSELF!!! Your life is about YOU, not them!!!
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