What Now...

He fell out of love with me a month ago.  He doesn't love me anymore.  I struggled, I suffered, I tried so hard....  I'm once again left broken and unloved.  He has another girl waiting to date him....  I just want good enough.   I don't know how to deal with this pain.  I've had to start drinking because it's so intense I start screaming and my thoughts become violent and I want to die.  

It's always been like this.  I give everything, and get neglected and abandoned.  He told me loved me, he pushed the idea of marriage and a happy life together, adopting a little autistic girl and being the best parents ever.  He instigated all the serious stuff.  He's the one who shared all the intimate memories and feelings and thoughts first.   He's the one who initiated sex.  He's the one who said he'd die without me.  He said I was his soul, his guardian angel, his warrior princess, his everything.  And now I'm not...  but he's still mine...

He said he stopped loving me a month ago, but couldn't tell me, because he was scared.  I see now, that's why he wouldn't talk about visiting.  That's why he had no time for me.  I felt so neglected and horrible about myself during that time.  I couldn't make him happy.  I feel so deceived and sick now.  

The pain is so bad.  I don't want to live anymore, not just because I lost him, but because I've never been able to keep anyone.  I can't make any sense of it.  Who am I supposed to be able to trust?  Who won't drag me through the dirt by my hair and then claim that they love me?  What the fuck am I supposed to do now????

I'm broken, betrayed, used, deceived, unloved, lost, defeated, hopeless....

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to live anymore...