What Now...

He fell out of love with me a month ago.  He doesn't love me anymore.  I struggled, I suffered, I tried so hard....  I'm once again left broken and unloved.  He has another girl waiting to date him....  I just want good enough.   I don't know how to deal with this pain.  I've had to start drinking because it's so intense I start screaming and my thoughts become violent and I want to die.  

It's always been like this.  I give everything, and get neglected and abandoned.  He told me loved me, he pushed the idea of marriage and a happy life together, adopting a little autistic girl and being the best parents ever.  He instigated all the serious stuff.  He's the one who shared all the intimate memories and feelings and thoughts first.   He's the one who initiated sex.  He's the one who said he'd die without me.  He said I was his soul, his guardian angel, his warrior princess, his everything.  And now I'm not...  but he's still mine...

He said he stopped loving me a month ago, but couldn't tell me, because he was scared.  I see now, that's why he wouldn't talk about visiting.  That's why he had no time for me.  I felt so neglected and horrible about myself during that time.  I couldn't make him happy.  I feel so deceived and sick now.  

The pain is so bad.  I don't want to live anymore, not just because I lost him, but because I've never been able to keep anyone.  I can't make any sense of it.  Who am I supposed to be able to trust?  Who won't drag me through the dirt by my hair and then claim that they love me?  What the fuck am I supposed to do now????

I'm broken, betrayed, used, deceived, unloved, lost, defeated, hopeless....

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to live anymore...

What Do I Want?

So puffinz is no more.  

Why did it end?  His drama is the reason, plus my needs not being fulfilled.  He would cut, threaten and attempt suicide, neglect me and not tell me things.  It was all out of fear and depression.  He's a great guy, but he's so troubled, and no matter what I did, I couldn't make him happy.  

My heart aches and sobs.  My soul is shaking and empty.  I miss him.  I miss him so fucking much.  We're staying friends, but there's a distance between us.  I miss feeling loved and needed and important.  Now I just feel...  I feel purposeless.  My brain keeps trying to formulate ways to tell him I want to get back together, but squashes those thoughts before I act on them.  It's not a good idea to be romantically involved at this time.  He needs to get his shit together and long distance romantic relationships are too difficult for us.

What do I do??  My heart, gut and mind are all saying different things!!!  I have to accept that we are not going to work long distance.  He tried to get me to wait for him for a year or 2, but I couldn't do that.  Now I think I want to, but I'd have to know that he'd wait for me.  He can't let me down like that, but I'd also worry I'd change my mind.  A lot can happen in a year or 2...

I want to keep things open as friends, but maybe tell him that in a year or 2, we could try again.  When I turn 25, I'll be off my mom's insurance and won't be able to see my therapist anymore.  I'll have no reason to stay in CT.  I could move to NY to be with him.  That's a big deal since we've never lived together and I'd have nowhere to go back to.  I'd need to know he's in this for the long haul.

I think I should write him an email expressing these thoughts and ask him what he thinks.  He's still the man I would be honored to marry someday, but I don't know if he'd want me to be his wife...

*sigh*

So I didn't get much done tonight...  This fuckin' sucks... Connor is so distracting!!!!!  Rawr.  

I guess I can still clean the end tables off...  Or at least one end table...  Yuck, it's coated with dust!  Caked with dust!

Ok, that's what I'll do...

Stuffs To Do ^o^

In preparation of my darling's visit, I have a lot of shit to accomplish!!!  It may seem like work, but I assure you it's not.  I'm ecstatic that I get to do all of this for my true love and I'll be so proud when I get it all done!!

Tuesday Night (tonight, into Wednesday)

- wash bed sheets

- clean entire walkway

- clean end tables!!!

- wash white tablecloths

Wednesday night (into Thursday)

- make stock

- normal cooking

- wash dishes

- clean/vacuum in front of coffee table

- wash floor towel

Thursday night (into Friday)

- TONS OF COOKING

- wash stock dishes

- ShOwEr!

- extra cleaning

I can not wait to see my husband!!!  I need to stay strong and focused for my sweetheart.  I can do this, all of it.  I am strong and determined.  My will and my love shall conquer all!

I'LL DO IT FOR CONNOR!!!

Empowering Affirmations

I create my future.

I have the willpower and mind power to overcome my challenges.

I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I have a sharp mind and can achieve the best.

I am a worthy human being.

I am courageous enough to live freely.

I am in control of the situation.

I choose to live freely.

I will succeed because I am focused and passionate about my goal.

I choose to be happy, confident and fulfilled.

The opportunity is there for the taking.

I decide my future and how I will change it.

I have what it takes to succeed.

My life is getting better every day.

I am worthy of joy in my life.

I am limitless; nothing will hold me back.

I know I can do it.  I believe I can do it.

My possibilities are endless.

I challenge.  I work hard.  I persevere.

Organizing My Thoughts!!!

Things I need to do...

• see a nutritionist

• get a diagnosis (autism)

• get more money from disability

Ok, now how do I prioritize??  I can't see a nutritionist without more money, because I won't be able to afford anything they recommend.  I can't get more money until I get a diagnosis.  So is it back to getting a diagnosis first?!

I'm so hesitant to try to get one.  I'm sure my mistrust of new people, especially psychiatrists, is a factor.  I'm also not sure if that's what I need to be doing first.  My fear and doubt is paralyzing me.

I may have a person who can diagnose me, but without contact, I can't necessarily know if I trust them or not.  The steps involved in making an appointment are...

1.  Write down contact info (phone numbers) for mom.  Explain that she needs to call, ask if he does adult diagnoses and then try to get an email address.

2.  If it works out, then I have to email him asking about how he does the diagnosis, scheduling, etc.

3.  Then I have to explain to my mom the plan for scheduling and hope I don't die when the appointment comes around.  I hate new places, so this is going to suck.

If he doesn't do adult diagnoses, I'll have to start all over again.  I suppose I can tell my mom to ask if he's aware of anyone who can diagnose an adult.

**sigh**

My autistic brain is annoying me right now.  >_<

Life is...??

What.  The.  Fuck.

I am so jealous of the people that grew up in loving (or at least stable) homes, go to or have gone to college, have or will have decent jobs and have the things they need to survive.  Life is a breeze for them.  Well, ok, maybe not that easy, since I know college and jobs take hard work, but they're able to do all that without severe emotional trauma.  It's so unfair, and I hate that I feel this way.

My aquaintences that are like the afore mentioned, are great people.  I am honestly happy for them.  Deep down inside, though, I'm raving with anger, resentment and depression.  I'm not upset with the aquaintences, more so the idea.  Seriously, they get a stable support system AND education/employment opportunities?!?!  How come I'm sadistically deprived of both????  

I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't believe in the "life is unfair, just deal with it" kind of attitude.  That will only leave me stuck in the rut I'm in now.  I'm an optimistic realist, so I can't shake the feeling that there may be hope, even when the facts in front of me say otherwise.

What could there possibly be for me?  I'm on the autism spectrum, which means following through with steps, time management, making decisions, adapting to change and anything sensory related are all extremely difficult for me.  I have no one to rely on to help me through each step, no means of motivation or confidence, and I'm stuck with constant trauma memories related to school, homework, cleaning, etc.  it's like trying to stand up with an elastic tied to my waist and the ground, causing my body to snap back to the sofa every time.  It doesn't matter if I know it's coming.  I still get violently thrown back in failure.

I feel like I'm too damaged to amount to anything.  Like I'm a vase that's been shattered so many times.  I've been hastily glued back together, leaving holes and cracks that will never fade.  I spent years applying paint and filling myself with beautiful flowers, trying to hide my flaws.  It was exhausting and fruitless.  Nowadays, I can't be bothered with that. I'm so obviously damaged goods.  I'll never be displayed in a place where many people will come to admire my beauty and success.  I'll forever be hidden in a back corner, living a flower less, prideless and lonely life.  I'll never be what I was meant to be, what I want to be.  If only there was someone who could take the time to show me how to piece myself back together the right way.  Someone who wouldn't get mad at me for falling apart, or being fragile and cautious.  Someone who will see the cracks and holes, but will focus on the pieces of me that remain unscathed, the parts of me that were strong enough to survive.  Someone who will admire my perseverance and strength, instead of ruing my existence and their exposure to it.

That's far too much to ask, though.  No one would be willing to put that much effort into me.  I'm like an item on Pawn Stars that just isn't worth restoring.  Besides, I'm almost 23 years old.  I should be able to take care of myself by now.

I'm so very alone...  I don't even have any true friends.  There are people I get along with, of course, and people I can relate to, but I'm not important to them.  If I disappeared, they'd be sad, perhaps, and wonder if I'd come back, but I'd leave no lasting impression on them.  No one is drawn to me.  No one desires to get to know me better, to become close (platonic or romantic) and no one truly cares to mean something to me.  They're all so very important to me, since I have no one else, but I don't think a deeper connection can be made.

I'm a survivor, whose been downing all my life and was never taught how to tread water.  I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

I've ranted enough, I suppose...

Lithromantic

Lithromantic:  a person who experiences romantic love, but does want or need the romantic love to be reciprocated.

My world has officially been rocked...

I've been confused about my romantic orientation for a whole now, especially since the possibility of romantic relationships has come up twice.  I've found that other people being interested in me romantically makes me very uneasy.  I mentally squirm when such feelings are expressed.

I enjoy feeling romantic towards other people and in my head.  It's warm, exciting, uplifting, etc.  I have mini-crushes all the time and love it.  

I wonder if my lithromanticism is related to my possible paranoid personality disorder.  I don't trust other people's intentions, so I guess if anyone has romantic feelings for me, my brain assumes they really are after something else...?  I think I used to enjoy romance, even though it would make me blush like crazy and make me bashful, so this may not be my 'true' orientation.

Whatevs.

Btw, lithromantic falls under aromantic.  

Fresh State of Mind

I've been getting so fed up with all this cooking and cleaning.  My physical health depends on this diet in order to get well again.  It is so much work, though.  Every night, 1.5-2 hours of cooking, 1 hour of cleaning, all within a 6 hour window.  With my sensory issues, it's exhausting and it's torture.

My "family" restricts me from having an entire day to get stuff done.  They're existence prevents me from obtaining my health in a comfortable way.  I have to wait until they go to sleep and complete the night's work before they awake.  I can't fully desensitize before i have to amp myself up with a dose of Ritalin to get another hour done.  It's horrible.  Every.  Single.  Night.  There is no room for leniency.  If I don't have the dishes washed and the onion smell gone, I will get passive aggressively attacked.  It's horrible what they do to me... What they've done to me, as they were supposed to protect me and look our for me, but those shits sat back and watched as my mental and physical health was slowly taken from me for over 8 fucking years.  It's all their shit-faced faults.  They keep me from sleeping during the day by 'needing' to walk by my room every half an hour, but carelessly slamming doors and cabinets, by stomping their feet and by doing hours of laundry in the middle of my sleep time.

And yet, I need to let go...

So yeah, I do have to wait and waste several precious hours because of them, and yes, I do have to force my senses to endure a lot in a short time frame because of them, many times, on very little sleep... but I'm not cooking and cleaning because of them or for them.  I'm doing it all for me.  I'm determined to fix what they have destroyed and do good, instead of bad like them.  I've vowed to become a better person than they are, to learn from their mistakes, to right all of their wrongs...

I guess I tend to get so wrapped up in the misery they're causing me, that I forget about the wonderful things I'm doing for myself.  What should be an empowering, self-loving experience becomes a bitter chore.  It's so hard to accomplish my goals with their constant hindrances, but I need to remember that my actual goals can not be tainted.  They are my goals and I will accomplish them!

I need to stop whining and blaming.  Even though the cooking and cleaning is absolutely necessary for my health, I'm still responsible for choosing to go ahead with it.  Giving up technically is an option.  I could stop cooking and cleaning, stop hoping, stop caring and allow myself to fall into a meaningless state of depression, but I will not.  I know I can be of use someday, that my life will have meaning not only to those that I help, but to me as well.  I'm sure many go down that dark road of empty, unchanging scenery, but not I.  I have been through far too much misery, and I have too much to offer the world to give up now!

You hear that, Tempy!  You're going to stop with this bullshit and HELP YOURSELF!!!  Your life is about YOU, not them!!!

INFJ Posters

I was searching for INFJ memes and posters the other day, and found that most of them were poetic and not funny. ;_;  These are the funny ones I did manage to find.  I did not make them.

So funny and so true!!

I decided to try making my own INFJ thing and this is what I came up with.

Considering that I'm rarely humorous, have never attempted to create something involving pictures and words and did all of this on my iPod, I'm very proud!  ^-^  It's kind of fuzzy and not proportioned correctly, but, hey, I'll learn from it.  The anime is Soul Eater.  Maka, who I believe to be an INFJ, is using her special Meister ability to see Dr. Stein's soul.  Since INFJ's are known for their intuitive insight into people's minds, I thought a "see into your soul" analogy would be appropriate.

If anyone wants to use my INFJ creation on their blog, I'd appreciate a shout out.  Just write that it was created by someone called ponz.

Thanks!  

The First... Of Many?

Here I go again!  I've made so many blogs before, and they've always failed.  I'd try to nail down a theme or topic for all the posts and get frustrated with not being able to say everything that I wanted to say.  This blog won't just be about anything in particular.  It will just be a blog, period.

A little about me...

• Name:  call me ponz
• Gender:  unknown
• Orientation:  greyromantic asexual
• Favorite philosopher:  Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Autistic obsession:  psychology and human behavior
• Political party:  officially a democrat, but I might be liberal
• MBTI:  INFJ, but close to INTJ
• Location:  Connecticut, USA