Lithromantic

Lithromantic:  a person who experiences romantic love, but does want or need the romantic love to be reciprocated.

My world has officially been rocked...

I've been confused about my romantic orientation for a whole now, especially since the possibility of romantic relationships has come up twice.  I've found that other people being interested in me romantically makes me very uneasy.  I mentally squirm when such feelings are expressed.

I enjoy feeling romantic towards other people and in my head.  It's warm, exciting, uplifting, etc.  I have mini-crushes all the time and love it.  

I wonder if my lithromanticism is related to my possible paranoid personality disorder.  I don't trust other people's intentions, so I guess if anyone has romantic feelings for me, my brain assumes they really are after something else...?  I think I used to enjoy romance, even though it would make me blush like crazy and make me bashful, so this may not be my 'true' orientation.

Whatevs.

Btw, lithromantic falls under aromantic.  

Fresh State of Mind

I've been getting so fed up with all this cooking and cleaning.  My physical health depends on this diet in order to get well again.  It is so much work, though.  Every night, 1.5-2 hours of cooking, 1 hour of cleaning, all within a 6 hour window.  With my sensory issues, it's exhausting and it's torture.

My "family" restricts me from having an entire day to get stuff done.  They're existence prevents me from obtaining my health in a comfortable way.  I have to wait until they go to sleep and complete the night's work before they awake.  I can't fully desensitize before i have to amp myself up with a dose of Ritalin to get another hour done.  It's horrible.  Every.  Single.  Night.  There is no room for leniency.  If I don't have the dishes washed and the onion smell gone, I will get passive aggressively attacked.  It's horrible what they do to me... What they've done to me, as they were supposed to protect me and look our for me, but those shits sat back and watched as my mental and physical health was slowly taken from me for over 8 fucking years.  It's all their shit-faced faults.  They keep me from sleeping during the day by 'needing' to walk by my room every half an hour, but carelessly slamming doors and cabinets, by stomping their feet and by doing hours of laundry in the middle of my sleep time.

And yet, I need to let go...

So yeah, I do have to wait and waste several precious hours because of them, and yes, I do have to force my senses to endure a lot in a short time frame because of them, many times, on very little sleep... but I'm not cooking and cleaning because of them or for them.  I'm doing it all for me.  I'm determined to fix what they have destroyed and do good, instead of bad like them.  I've vowed to become a better person than they are, to learn from their mistakes, to right all of their wrongs...

I guess I tend to get so wrapped up in the misery they're causing me, that I forget about the wonderful things I'm doing for myself.  What should be an empowering, self-loving experience becomes a bitter chore.  It's so hard to accomplish my goals with their constant hindrances, but I need to remember that my actual goals can not be tainted.  They are my goals and I will accomplish them!

I need to stop whining and blaming.  Even though the cooking and cleaning is absolutely necessary for my health, I'm still responsible for choosing to go ahead with it.  Giving up technically is an option.  I could stop cooking and cleaning, stop hoping, stop caring and allow myself to fall into a meaningless state of depression, but I will not.  I know I can be of use someday, that my life will have meaning not only to those that I help, but to me as well.  I'm sure many go down that dark road of empty, unchanging scenery, but not I.  I have been through far too much misery, and I have too much to offer the world to give up now!

You hear that, Tempy!  You're going to stop with this bullshit and HELP YOURSELF!!!  Your life is about YOU, not them!!!

INFJ Posters

I was searching for INFJ memes and posters the other day, and found that most of them were poetic and not funny. ;_;  These are the funny ones I did manage to find.  I did not make them.

So funny and so true!!

I decided to try making my own INFJ thing and this is what I came up with.

Considering that I'm rarely humorous, have never attempted to create something involving pictures and words and did all of this on my iPod, I'm very proud!  ^-^  It's kind of fuzzy and not proportioned correctly, but, hey, I'll learn from it.  The anime is Soul Eater.  Maka, who I believe to be an INFJ, is using her special Meister ability to see Dr. Stein's soul.  Since INFJ's are known for their intuitive insight into people's minds, I thought a "see into your soul" analogy would be appropriate.

If anyone wants to use my INFJ creation on their blog, I'd appreciate a shout out.  Just write that it was created by someone called ponz.

Thanks!  

The First... Of Many?

Here I go again!  I've made so many blogs before, and they've always failed.  I'd try to nail down a theme or topic for all the posts and get frustrated with not being able to say everything that I wanted to say.  This blog won't just be about anything in particular.  It will just be a blog, period.

A little about me...

• Name:  call me ponz
• Gender:  unknown
• Orientation:  greyromantic asexual
• Favorite philosopher:  Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Autistic obsession:  psychology and human behavior
• Political party:  officially a democrat, but I might be liberal
• MBTI:  INFJ, but close to INTJ
• Location:  Connecticut, USA