I am so jealous of the people that grew up in loving (or at least stable) homes, go to or have gone to college, have or will have decent jobs and have the things they need to survive. Life is a breeze for them. Well, ok, maybe not that easy, since I know college and jobs take hard work, but they're able to do all that without severe emotional trauma. It's so unfair, and I hate that I feel this way.
My aquaintences that are like the afore mentioned, are great people. I am honestly happy for them. Deep down inside, though, I'm raving with anger, resentment and depression. I'm not upset with the aquaintences, more so the idea. Seriously, they get a stable support system AND education/employment opportunities?!?! How come I'm sadistically deprived of both????
I don't know how to deal with this. I don't believe in the "life is unfair, just deal with it" kind of attitude. That will only leave me stuck in the rut I'm in now. I'm an optimistic realist, so I can't shake the feeling that there may be hope, even when the facts in front of me say otherwise.
What could there possibly be for me? I'm on the autism spectrum, which means following through with steps, time management, making decisions, adapting to change and anything sensory related are all extremely difficult for me. I have no one to rely on to help me through each step, no means of motivation or confidence, and I'm stuck with constant trauma memories related to school, homework, cleaning, etc. it's like trying to stand up with an elastic tied to my waist and the ground, causing my body to snap back to the sofa every time. It doesn't matter if I know it's coming. I still get violently thrown back in failure.
I feel like I'm too damaged to amount to anything. Like I'm a vase that's been shattered so many times. I've been hastily glued back together, leaving holes and cracks that will never fade. I spent years applying paint and filling myself with beautiful flowers, trying to hide my flaws. It was exhausting and fruitless. Nowadays, I can't be bothered with that. I'm so obviously damaged goods. I'll never be displayed in a place where many people will come to admire my beauty and success. I'll forever be hidden in a back corner, living a flower less, prideless and lonely life. I'll never be what I was meant to be, what I want to be. If only there was someone who could take the time to show me how to piece myself back together the right way. Someone who wouldn't get mad at me for falling apart, or being fragile and cautious. Someone who will see the cracks and holes, but will focus on the pieces of me that remain unscathed, the parts of me that were strong enough to survive. Someone who will admire my perseverance and strength, instead of ruing my existence and their exposure to it.
That's far too much to ask, though. No one would be willing to put that much effort into me. I'm like an item on Pawn Stars that just isn't worth restoring. Besides, I'm almost 23 years old. I should be able to take care of myself by now.
I'm so very alone... I don't even have any true friends. There are people I get along with, of course, and people I can relate to, but I'm not important to them. If I disappeared, they'd be sad, perhaps, and wonder if I'd come back, but I'd leave no lasting impression on them. No one is drawn to me. No one desires to get to know me better, to become close (platonic or romantic) and no one truly cares to mean something to me. They're all so very important to me, since I have no one else, but I don't think a deeper connection can be made.
I'm a survivor, whose been downing all my life and was never taught how to tread water. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
I've ranted enough, I suppose...
No comments:
Post a Comment